Pregnant & Poor - June 21st, 2022

Say Your Prayers

Today was the first time I prayed over my food and meant it with every fiber in my being. Remember how I said I’ve had everything at least once, but something was always missing? Well, what was missing was sincerity, gratitude, and knowing that what I have is enough.

There was a karmic theme of poverty and struggle that I was denied of seeing through to completion. When my mother transitioned at the age of 2, I believe I was supposed to stay in the Bronx or in Harlem in what many would consider the hood or poverty. In such environments, those karmic themes would have been animated and released.

Karmic Incompetence

My aunt gaining custody of me was “right” in a worldly sense; meaning, I was out of hood, would have a “better education” and wouldn’t know the full magnitude of struggle that often accompanied poverty. But karmically speaking, it did me a huge disservice. Many of the karmic lessons that spun in my orbit as an incarnate were left on pending; denied of animating themselves into the very experiences that would aid me in bringing them to a complete close.

After leaving New York, principles that I was would have come to organically embody were forced down my throat as doctrine; they were presented to me as dogmatic rules, chores and tasks. Behind closed doors, I was actually being raised on gluttony, excess/splurging and utter discontentment with what I had. Everything looked right, but felt wrong and nothing was ever enough.

Growing Into A Shell of A Wombman

From my teenage years into my young adult years, I splurged, spent, consumed and indulged. I committed to projects and creative outlets, only to later abandon them impulsively. I didn’t stick to anything, appreciated very little and had no regard for others beyond what felt good to me. Whatever I asked for, I received for the most part; rarely did I have to work for what I wanted. And whenever I didn’t get what I wanted, I couldn’t comprehend why that was and became filled with a peculiar rage that I could not yet explain. But looking back now, this rage was rooted in emotions that stemmed from the reality of the poverty ridden karmic theme that awaited me (given the right circumstances).

I had the grit of the hood without the gratitude. The rhythm without the righteousness.

The Makings of “Form Without Substance” = Facades

The way I was being raised (thought I’m sure, not intentionally) was the perfect compilation of “form without substance”. We gave back to the homeless, we attended church service, we said our prayers, I had manners; but none of this allowed the purity of the principles those actions represented to fully embed themselves into my being. The karmic themes that I was left with after parting ways with people I chose to bring me Earth side were still circulating in my orbit; practically dormant and undetected…that is, until now.

For the last few years, I feel like I have been living in a void of excess, wastefulness and sky high standards that were slowly but surely going into overdrive to compensate for the pending spiritual wealth hidden behind what many would perceive as shitty experiences. Like I said, having “everything”, but it not being enough; meaning, I knew that despite all that I had in material wealth and worldly validation, what was missing was full submission, trust and faith in God (not a man in the sky, of course). I had hit plenty of emotional rock bottoms, but never have I ever inhabited the density of my Earth experience enough to experience the more tangible rock bottom that I am experiencing now.

Perfect Poverty

I’m gone keep it a bean; I have 4 outfits to my name that I have in rotation. My bank account is in the negatives. I have to check out of this Airbnb in 3 days. I’ve spent all of the funds that I have on Airbnb stays while I search for permanent housing, buy groceries and childcare. And I’ve been denied of 3 homes because I don’t have a high enough credit score. The karmic themes that were rotating in my orbit my whole life, but sidestepped by a “better 3D circumstance” in the eyes of my relatives are now animating before my very eyes. And this explained the underlying fear of suffering, lack, hunger and exhaust that I felt my whole life without the experience to link it to.

Previous Attempts To Make My Life Karmically Sound

Before I could call myself any type of karmically competent, the moment I gained enough independence (early twenties), I ran back to Harlem. Looking back in retrospect, I was looking to grant myself the experiences that I wasn’t able to after I was separated from my parents; and in a way I did. This is where I gained my authenticity back, had my gangsta thoroughly tested and much more. But this wasn’t going to do the trick because well, I went by choice. There is a choicelessness to paying off karmic debt that allows things to catalyze to the extent necessary for one to experience the full emotional and psychological spectrum of said theme. And when you choose to struggle or choose to work with less, it simply doesn’t hit the same.

Playing Catch Up

Today I was so sleepy, so hungry, so exhausted. I am a single mother in every way that you can imagine, as well as pregnant and poor. And I am not poor in Spirit, but 3rd dimensionally, as far as my sight is able to reach, I don’t have much of anything. But this experience is ridding me of the life of excess, gluttony, wastefulness and ungratefulness that cloaked the true lack, poverty consciousness and struggle that I should have been granted the life circumstance to pay off in my youth.

Making karmically sound decisions, from a purely 3D stand point will sound like allowing yourself (or someone else) suffer. But with karmic competence, you can see that any kind of “suffering” that we try keep our fellow incarnates from experiencing , be them our relatives or our own children, is spiritually doing them a huge disservice because they will end up paying it off later at a time where they could otherwise been experiencing a lot more ease, grace and abundance in their lives. Think about the child that was raised with a roof over their head, “good education” and a overall perceivably “good” upbringing hitting their 20s and becoming a stripper and their parents not knowing where they could have possibly gone wrong; this is how karmic incompetence can affect those that we love and why this caliber of awareness is essential.

So while this is a tough one to swallow for me the lessons are rich. I am learning to budget, that I am not owed anything simply because I want it and that I don’t simply deserve the best because it’s what I desire. Those things need to be earned in Spirit and in principle so that when we do gain them, we are humbled instead of haughty.

I don’t know when I will find a permanent home for my children and I where we can truly rest and get settled; where I can begin nesting. Of all the financial abundance I have experienced in my lifetime to date, I was always somewhat spiritually void amidst those privileges. Now, even though I don’t have all that I’d prefer, want or desire, I have exactly what I need. And when residues from my previous (privileged) mentality rears it’s head and creates the illusion that I don’t have what I need, I feel the weight of the ache in my belly and the innocence in my son’s eyes; which snaps me back into the present and inspires me to make something out of nothing…not from a hustler’s mentality, but from the inherent magic that we rob ourselves of when we are not fully inhabiting our human experiences with grit and grace.

Cheers to choosing spiritual birthrights over superficial privileges.